Mother-in-law and Men

Most men mind mother-in-laws. The thought of gracious visit from her creates panic in them. Business travel, late work hour and boys night outs are frequent during her stay. Fitness and especially exercising in gym becomes important. History channels and annoying soaps appear better options. Though reasons are unknown to me, this seems to be a universal phenomenon cutting across race, culture, political and geographical boundaries.

However, most men don’t realize the distinct advantages of her stay. Let us see if you (men or women) agree with me with these benefits.

1. Wife is at the best behavior: With her mom in the house, the wife has to be nice and sweet with everyone (including me) and not just with her mom.
2. Freedom: With wife and her mom busy catching up with the family politics and gossip, a man has all the freedom to pursue his interests. Wife does not need his time.
3. No shopping: Wife wants company for shopping. Well who can better help than her mom? The man can continue to watch his favorite channels.
4. Wife takes care of you: If a man manages to make her mother-in-law happy, she helps to ensure her daughter takes good care of him. Pleasing my mother-in-law is easy. Some CDs of religious music and good photographs of her and she showers the blessings. See her pictures are on my Facebook Page.

Dear readers (men and women): Tell us what works for you?

Phone Etiquettes: Ringing at Right Time

It is not unusual for phone to ring just at the ‘right’ time. (See the quotation mark around right). Of course it is absolutely essential to attend these calls. Let us see some of these ‘ringing at right time’ experiences:

1. A hairdresser is diligently working on his hair. She picks up the sharp blade and starts cutting the sideburns. Ring Ring Ring. Instinctively trying to save himself from a bee bite, the dude jumps to grab the phone from his pocket. His head moves and the blade cuts the cheek instead of sideburn. Worry about the bleeding later, the dude needs to speak with his girl friend first. Guess what! It is not his girl friend; it is a telemarketer trying to sell hair products.
2. Travelers are taking out laptop from cases, removing shoes and jacket, putting keys, coins and metallic objects in the trey for the security check. But he has to attend the ringing phone and start talking. Mr. Executive, you have an important job but we also have a plane to catch. Do we need to wait for your phone conference to finish for the security check!
3. Bluetooth made talking on phone safe in a car and it is legal. So let us keep talking. So what if the fellow passengers cannot be part of the conversation. Courtesy, politeness and consideration towards other are not part of dictionary in this new era of technology.
4. Dedicated employees work at odd hours. Besides odd hours, they attend to phone calls at odd places too e.g. office restrooms (bathrooms). What if it is unhygienic environment, foul smell and others are listening to conversation? Phone calls need to be answered promptly.
5. Shower is the best part of the morning. Body and mind wake up with the water flowing from the head to the toe. Hot water, white cotton like shower gel and rhyming of an old song prepares us for the long day ahead. Suddenly the phone speaker transmits the famous song used as the ringer. Cell phone is not water proof yet it needs to be answered. Just dry one hand & one ear and talk. Phone call cannot wait for shower to complete – sometimes multi tasking is required.

Dear Readers: - I can add a couple of more ‘sensitive’ situations but let us see what readers have to say. I can almost imagine the comments of some people if they read this post.

Names in Facebook Era

Expecting parents spend hours and days discussing, debating and sometimes arguing about the potential name of the baby. (Well we all know the wife always wins but that is a topic of another post.) For some choosing a unique name is essential (even if people cannot pronounce it) and some are happy with a common name. Referring religious scriptures, name books, consulting priests, using horoscope and sometimes just using a famous star’s name are common practices. But can you imagine referring to Facebook for a name.

Yes, an Israeli couple named their baby girl ‘Like’ – taken directly from Facebook ‘Like’ icon. See the link below

Inspired by Facbook, Israeli couple names their daughter Like

But that is not the first couple. Earlier this year an Egyptian couple named their baby ‘Facebook’. Link below

Meet baby girl ‘Facebook’

What is coming next? Shall we expect names like

• Google or may be Bing if parents are bloggers or believe in search engines
• Yahoo, probably not as that is an old site now
• IPhone or Mac for the cult that always advocates Apple products
• 4G, high speed baby name of telecommunication professional parents
• May be ‘Pentium’ inspired by high speed processors
• LOL for e-chatterboxes

What do you think? Please do add some more.

(PS:- Like many other posts, readers’ comments are more interesting than the original post, so please do read them.)

You talk too much

(Note:- Please click on pictures to view an enlarged and more authentic version.)

“Hello, how are you doing?” I greeted my daughter as I entered home.

“No,” she replied.

“When did a NO become an answer to a HELLO?” I asked.

“I mean I do not want to see your pictures,” she clarified with a chuckle.

“I did not even ask you.”

“But you were going to ask,” she said giggling.

“How do you know that?”

“Remember I am your daughter and today is your photography class.”

“It is almost end of photography classes,” I replied.

“Are you not going to classes anymore?” My wife asked.

“The course was only for eight weeks,” I reminded her.

“That is bad. You should take some more classes,” my daughter interjected.

“Why?”

“Mom says it is peaceful at home when you gone. You talk too much,” she laughed.

On that ‘wonderful’ note, I left for my photography class.

At the end of the class, our eloquent teacher sought feedback including desired photo related courses and contents. While most expressed interest in portraits, sports and nature photography, my friend Pravin, had a unique request.

“Can I request something not to be included in the course?” Pravin asked teacher while smiling at me.

“Not to be included. What is that?” Some of us were obviously amused.

“Him,” Pravin said laughingly pointing his hand towards me.

“Oh. Why?” I could not resist.

“You talk too much,” Pravin alleged while continuing his laugh.

With friend like these, I do not need…..

(Readers: - Help me fill in the blanks.)

(Pictures: - Picture 1 is of  a student who volunteered to be model and Picture 2 is my friend Pravin, an expert (literal meaning of Pravin is Expert) in photography.)

A Woman Shall Never Say To Her Husband…

To stay happy in your married life, a wife shall never say to her husband:

1. “You don’t love me anymore.”

This statement implies that you don’t trust him. Marriage is based on trust and understanding. Trust does not require romance and display of love. If you trust him, he does not need to make mundane statements of love all the time.

2. “Why is this TV program so important for you?”

Do not bother him when he is watching his favorite TV show. Only an earthquake or power failure can distract him. Raising voice is futile. Your vocal chords cannot keep up with the sound levels of the latest speakers. Watching TV is like meditation that helps him to concentrate better.

3. “That guy is very intelligent.”

Your husband is the most intelligent and knowledgeable man in the world. All others are just luckier. He has in depth knowledge of pretty much all subjects.

4. “You cannot multitask.”

No one likes false statements. He can multitask. Talking on cell phone while driving; is a good example of his multitasking skills. Because he is systematic and methodological, he just gives the impression of handling multiple tasks sequentially.

5. “You don’t have good dress sense.”

If he wants, he can be a style icon but he believes in ‘Simple Living High Thinking.’ Simplicity is important to him. Improving mental faculties rather than exterior looks is his motto.

6. “My friend’s husband always gives her surprise gifts.”

Always a surprise gift diminishes the purpose. Your husband does not want to lessen the pleasure by frequently presenting you a surprise gift. Though he is always looking for a good opportunity to give you a surprise gift, he has not found many. But you are always in his thoughts and that matters more than materialistic possessions.

7. “When are you going to install the cuckoo clock we bought two years back?”

Being a perfectionist, he is waiting for perfect time, perfect day, perfect weather and perfect mood for household projects. Also this is his method to convey to the family a basic principle ‘Patience is Virtue.’ So be patient.

Dear Readers,

Do you want to add some more or change the description of anyone? 

Related Post:- A Man Shall Never Say To His Wife

(Author's Note:- I dedicate this post also to all women who juggle priorities of office, home, children and family and yet manage to stay fit, decorate houses, keep up to date with fashion and enjoy precious moments of the life.)

A Man Shall Never Say To His Wife…

To stay happy in your married life, you shall never say to your wife:

1. “You don't look good”

She may seek your opinion while viewing her-self in a full length mirror “Do I look good in this new outfit? Give me an honest answer PLEASE.” Ignore the plea for honesty. Disregard the mirror. She always looks good. She cannot look out of shape in any outfit of any color at any time. She is perfect.

2. “That woman is pretty”

She may pretend to converse “Did you notice, that woman was looking so beautiful in blue dress?” Do not reply to her. You never heard it. This is probably the only conversation you can discount without being penalized. Never discuss or praise any other woman, her dress or skills.

3. “You have enough clothes”

She never had, does not have and will never have enough clothes. Like seasons, styles and fashion change. Every year is different too. It may seem like she has enough but most of them are out of date including the ones she purchased last summer. Don’t debate. Don’t loss peace of mind for some money.

4. “What do you want for your birthday?”

Keep the receipt of birthday gift. You know she will swap your gift for something else. But do not take the risk of asking her what she wants for her birthday. A good husband is supposed to know. Do not turn her birthday to ‘worst day of her life’ by asking this silly question.

5. “Couch is uncomfortable”

She chooses the most stylish and contemporary furniture. Contemporary furniture is comfortable too. A husband does not know anything about home furnishing and decoration. Make the best use of her choice or spend your time in study. Explaining logic and rationale is futile.

6. “I cannot visit your house”

Saying ‘no’ to visiting in-laws house will start a war. If she wants you to take her there, drop the tasks at hand. There is nothing more important than visiting your in-laws house.

7. “You are wrong”

I asked my daughter what if I tell her mom that she is wrong. She replied “Mayan prediction of the World ending in 2012 may or may not be accurate. Your World will end if you tell your wife that she is wrong.” Even children know wife is always right.

Readers: Do you want to add some more?

Next post: What not to tell husbands?

(Author's Note:- I dedicate this post to all women who juggle priorities of office, home, children and family and yet manage to stay fit, decorate houses, keep up to date with fashion and enjoy precious moments of life.)

Double Trouble

“A man is getting married to two women within one day” I updated my wife with a seemingly interesting news.

“It is not possible. It is not allowed?” My daughter instantly barged in.

“Yes, it is allowed in Pakistan” I replied.

“Is it still allowed in Pakistan?” My wife asked.

“Morally and legally it seems to be allowed. But that is not the real problem with two marriages” I replied.

“What is the problem?” My wife asked.

 “Make a guess.”

Within a fraction of second my daughter started giggling and laughing loudly.  Instantly while laughing she took the words out my mouth, 

“Oh my god! He has to deal with two wives. Double Trouble! That is the problem.”

Great Wall - Great Friends

Walk on the Great Wall of China reminded me of my first visit few years back. It was a perfect bright sunny day for a trip to the Great Wall. Zhao, my Chinese colleague, translator, guide and a great friend drove us there is his own car. We started climbing the wall along with thousands of young local tourists. Zhao found that it was a day of field trip of final year students of Beijing University.

“With the Great Wall, you get to see a lot of young girls today,” talkative Zhao said happily.

Zhao constantly talked. He did not need a reason to talk and knew how to start and continue conversations for long time. The only problem was they spoke in Mandarin and I would become a deaf, dumb uneducated creature during his conversations.

“Don’t even think of flirting. Even I can tell, they are half of your age,” I urged him.

“Do you want to talk with them,” Zhao asked in a deceptive tone.

“Yeah right ! I have learnt perfect Mandarin in two days,” I said with sarcasm.

“What if they come and ask you for your autograph,” charismatic Zhao said with a big playful smile on his face.

“Zhao, typically people ask famous celebrities for autographs. You know what it means,” I seriously thought he did not know the meaning of autograph.

“Yes, same autograph. Are you ready to sign your name on their books?” he clarified.

“It is impossible,” I replied.

“I am going to tell them that you are a Bollywood star but now work in Hollywood,” he said laughingly.

I could not resist laughing at his bizarre idea.

“Zhao, most people say a frog is more handsome than me. Even my mom never said that I look good. They will never believe you,” I tried to show him the obvious flaw in his mischievous plan.

“Watch my magic or what you call charisma,” Zhao said with conviction.

Zhao was right. He spoke with a group of young girls for a few moments. Within no time, all of them circled around me for photographs and autographs. Some even tried talking in English on “my” new upcoming movies. Zhao happily started capturing moments of glory in pictures. As the photography session ended, the girls looked for paper, notebooks, napkins or pocket books for autographs.

Wonderful moments of the artificial celebrity fame ended with a ring on my cell phone.

Noticing the caller id of a close friend of Raleigh, I pressed the green button, “Hey Sanjay, What is up?”

Sanjay replied with his usual cheerful tone “I just wanted to speak with you.”

Realizing it was 11PM in Raleigh I asked, “What is the time? Is not it late?”

“It is around 11PM, were you sleeping?” Sanjay did not remember about my China visit.

“I am in China and it is 11AM here. Remember I called you from RDU airport.”

“Oh yes. How is China? Hey listen, if you need me to do something here, let me know,” perfect salesman Sanjay offering help even though he knew that I would be back next day.

To minimize the long distance charges, I came to the point, “Sanjay, what can I do for you?”

He replied cheerfully, “Can you give me Raj’s cell number?”

“Did you call me to get Raj’s number? Raj is your next-door neighbor.”

“I am not sure if he is still up. That is why I want to call his cell number. I know you memorize everyone’s number. Also I wanted to hear your voice; it is been few days I spoke to you,” Sanjay said second part with utmost sincerity.

“Ok. Write it down 919 489 …”

“Just give me one second. Let me grab something to write,” Sanjay made me wait.

I communicated the cell phone number of 300 feet away neighbor from a distant 7000 miles Beijing through at least four Communication Service Providers and multiple telecommunication equipments in the network.

While on the phone with Sanjay, the girls started giggling on Zhao’s funny statement in Mandarin.

Sanjay asked with curiosity “Who is around you and why are they laughing?”

“It is a group of Chinese girls touring the Great Wall.”

“Why are they laughing?” Sanjay repeated his question.

“I don’t really know. Probably they are laughing at me,” I replied.

Sanjay said teasingly, “I think they are laughing because they are looking at a Sardar (Sikh) first time.”

With a smile I replied, “Sanjay, you know, I rationalized long time back. I am clean shaven and don’t wear turban anymore.”

Sanjay said with a laugh, “That is exactly the point. They are laughing because it is first time they are looking at a ‘Mona Sardar’ (clean shaven Sikh without a turban).”

It took me couple of seconds to understand his joke and I could not stop laughing for some time.
Trying to breathe normal, I said, “Sanjay that was great joke. I will never forget it.”

Sanjay said playfully, “That is what great friends are for.”

Laughing stopped with ache in the stomach.

Driving to Beijing airport from the Great Wall, I asked Zhao, “What exactly did you tell them?”

Zhao replied with glee on his face, “Precisely that you said.”

“What do you mean?”

Zhao replied, “I told them Hollywood was looking for an actor uglier than a frog and they picked you.”

I did not know whether to laugh or scream but said sarcastically “Thanks a lot.”

“That is what great friends are for,” Zhao replied.

Simply speaking that was one of the most hilarious day of my life and always makes me think, “With great friends like these, I don’t need ..…”

(Author's Note:- Dear Readers, please send me the comments to fill the blanks in the last line. Also let me know what you think is the fictional part. This story is based on actual events but changed the names of my friends.

I dedicate this story to all my friends and members of vibrant Sikh community who always support humor.)

The Gate Keeper

"Can you watch the bathroom door please? The bathroom door lock broke down.” The solitary flight attendant of flight AC7978 asked me in a sweet sounding French accented voice.

First time I heard such a request in more than a million miles of air travel. I looked at her with surprise questioning her request. My quizzical looks did not deter her and she continued.

“You just have to tell the passengers if the bathroom is in use. It is a small plane with a single bathroom so we cannot close it. I will announce on the intercom too. It is just in case someone did not pay attention. We will be stuck here for hours if I call for maintenance crew. It is a short flight anyway. ”

Mentioning possible delay in the departure did the trick. Seated on the rear most aisle seat of small fifty -passenger plane, I was pleased with the on-time departure announcement. Immediately after landing on Raleigh Durham airport, I had to drive to Fed-ex office to mail my passport to Chinese consulate for visa. Not landing on time would mean missing my chances to Fed-ex the paperwork and jeopardizing my upcoming foreign trip.

Reluctantly I agreed to guard the door and the plane was in air within minutes.

As soon as the solitary flight attendant turned the seat belt sign off, my duties of door sentry began. From the row number three, a woman with unkempt hair walked to the bathroom. I hoped no one else would need to use the bathroom at the same time. I was wrong. Just a few minutes later, a six-year-old boy with his mother approached the bathroom.

“There is someone in the bathroom,” I mentioned politely.

The women understood but decided to wait standing right near my seat. Few minutes passed and she sighed. Few more moments passed but no sign of anyone coming out from bathroom. The young boy became impatient.

“Mom, I really have to go,” he said.

“You just have to wait,” the mother replied nicely.

More time passed and yet no sign of person coming out from the bathroom.

“Are you sure there is someone inside?” she asked me.

“I am sure.”

“Who is it?” she asked maintaining politeness.

“I would not know. It is someone from the front,” I replied.

“It is a problem to travel with children on small planes with one bathroom,” she spoke to herself and I decided to ignore her.

Without any other choice, the mother and the son continued to wait becoming more impatient with time.

Twenty minutes later, the bathroom door opened and a completely changed woman came out. With brushed hair, elegantly applied makeup and wearing a strong perfume, she appeared like a model ready for a shot. The boy found his way to the bathroom quickly while his mother stared at the woman angrily. The person sitting next to me restrained his laugh but whispered,

“Women need makeup even to drink coffee in the plane.”

Surprisingly the mother heard it. Her annoyance shifted from the woman walking to her seat to the whispering man. I almost smiled at his statement but the mother’s glare stopped me and I managed to appear ignorant to his statement.

While the mother collected her words to confront the whispering passenger, just at that moment, we heard a loud sneeze followed by “Oh Jeez.” Apparently, the strong perfume made a passenger sneeze. The timing of sneeze and serving of coffee matched or mismatched. The coffee spilled over his shirt. The flight attendant moved the serving cart and let him come towards the bathroom. But, the boy was still in the bathroom.

“She spoiled my expensive white shirt,” he talked to himself blaming the flight attendant.

“Flying is no fun these days,” the waiting mother sympathized with him.

“I paid 80$ for this Ralph Loren shirt,” he continued.

“Try bleach or take it to a good dry cleaner,” she suggested.

“The airline should pay for it. It is her fault,” he said.

“I won’t bet on it. Airlines are charging for blankets now,” she reminded him the dire
economic state of airline industry.

“Look at the bathroom door. The lock is broken too”, he agreed with her and continued, “I am still going to try.”

When the boy and mother settled on their seats, the “coffee man” made futile efforts to remove strains from his shirt in the bathroom. With paper towels on his shirt, he returned to his seat grudgingly. The man sitting next to me could not resist laughing and said, “I can buy the same shirt for 50$. This is an interesting flight.” Though I agreed with him, I managed to ignore him one more time.

I looked at the time. We are almost there and no more door sentry duties. I started solving my favorite Sudoku puzzle and right then a man in suit walked to the bathroom. He tried to lock the door. It would not lock. He tried repeatedly. Finally, he gave up and looked for flight attendant.

“The bathroom door would not lock,” he said angrily to the flight attendant.

“Sir, we made the announcement,” she replied in a monotonous yet professional manner.

“I did not hear any announcement” he continued, “How can you fly with a broken lock?”

“Sir, we did not want to hold the flight at Toronto,” she tried to explain.

“I cannot use the bathroom without locking,” he declared.

“Sir, we will watch the door,” she tried hard.

“No. I cannot use the bathroom like it. I will complain,” he said and walked back to his seat.

My neighbor laughed again and said, “He is a southern snob. Keep waiting. Who cares? We want to reach home on time.” This time I acknowledged him and laughed with him. Simply speaking, flight 7978 felt like the shortest flight I ever had.

(Author’s note: - This is a fiction based on actual incidents. Readers please see if you can isolate facts from the fiction and put in the comments. Thanks )

Why does SRK tweet?

I am sure you have heard the news that SRK has started twitting. If not, click this link.

I did not want to spend time to talk with my friends to figure out SRK’s reason for tweeting but my first friend i.e. my brain, outlined the conversation between Karan Johar and SRK which led SRK to create an account on Tweeter.
KJ (Karan Johar): Shahrukh, you should start tweeting.


SRK: What is that?


KJ: Consider it free publicity.


SRK: I am already a popular man. You know that.


KJ: Well, we need more publicity for our new movie.


SRK: We have two new hot movie topics - illness and Islamic terrorism in the movie. That is good for metros. We have a lot tears for female audience too. The movie will be a hit. Don’t worry.


KJ: You are right. But I am little worried. The audience is intelligent now. Adi and I have already used Islamic terrorism formula in New York and Kurban. Paa has been hit and so people have seen illness too.


SRK: You got a point. But we are doing that TV show “Lift Kara De’ and donating 9 Lakh RS on TV. That gives us good publicity.


KJ: We need to think about overseas audience especially the UK and the USA. And moreover Tweeting is free.


SRK: OK. You know better. What do I have to do?


KJ: Just ask your personal assistant to type few lines on the computer.


SRK: What kind of lines?


KJ: Just say something. Whatever comes to your mind like ‘I am relaxing’ or ‘My vacation is over’


SRK: But my Personal Assistant does not know English that well.


KJ: He does not have to know English. He should be able to type simple sentences.


SRK: But his spellings are atrocious.


KJ: On twitter, they don’t care about spellings or grammar. As long it seems like an English sentence, we should be fine.


SRK: I think he can do that. But how does tweeting help us?


KJ: Media will cover it and that is free publicity. Once we declare you are on tweeter, a lot of teenage girls, bored housewives and also a lot of men will feel connected to you in 2010.


SRK: And they will bring them to theaters when the movie releases.


KJ: Exactly.


SRK: Do you make movies or market movie?


KJ: Marketing is the key.


SRK: Let me call my personal assistant here.


Readers: - Please feel free to email(arealblogger@gmail.com) or send me comments if you agree/disagree or if you want to add more.